When I was a younger, something bad happened. At such age, there’s only one thing I know I had to do to make me feel better. Sneaked up in my dad’s bedroom, tucked myself beside him and cried endlessly until I was asleep. It was hell and heaven at the same time. Hell because of the bad things and heaven because I have a dad who truly loves us deeply.
When my heart was broken for the first time, I found myself in the same scenario. My dad has never been good with opening up his feelings I guess. All he said was “My child, if he was meant for you, love will come back”. The words seem to float on air as I cried it all out in his arms again but I believed him. It was heartache and hope at the same time. Heartache for a love lost and hope for a brighter tomorrow.
Yesterday, I felt so different… suddenly, I can’t take it no more. My lies, my pain and how I hated myself to the core. I was in the car seated between my parents, dad was on my right and his arms was stretched out so I can rest my head there. I am not so sure if he felt I was breaking apart into a thousand pieces. I gathered up courage and prayed to God so hard that not a tear will escape my eyes. But they swelled in an instant and before it runs down my cheek, I wiped them out. My brothers and sisters were in the car as well, the last thing I want them to see is their “happiest sister breaking down”. There are people like my family who draws strength from me. I kill sad cells and replace them with happy ones.
My happiness have always been contagious most people say, and at that moment, I WAS NOT HAPPY, I AM NOT HAPPY AT ALL. I am losing the battle inside me, I want to run from everything though deep inside, I know I can’t.
Today is my dad’s birthday. When I opened my eyes, I felt my abnormal heartbeat again. Every minute it is eating me up. NOW, I need to be brave and do this, once and for all, for my freedom, though the thought of leaving someone kills me inside.
“Of all the battles I have lost, losing myself should not be one of them.”